We don't always choose who we fall in love with. Sometimes it just happens. Sometimes at first we, us, are the ones to see it. Other times it is someone else who see's it first. Sometimes, we are the only ones to see it. Sometimes the people around us see it before we do. I wonder why this is, why does one person see something so special in another person, yet that person does not see it themselves.
Feeling in love is one of the best feelings ever. It has the ability to truly make us happy. We love spending any time that we can with the person, just being near them makes us just feel better. We ponder and wonder what this friendship means to the other person, and then doubt comes into play, and we start to question everything. And we wonder so much what the other person is thinking that it starts to consume you. All of your time is just thinking about this person, yet they really never start to show signs of interest, but we manifest them in our minds it seems. At least it seems that way. Those small little details that you see them do, you think it's the best thing ever, you think for sure that it is a sign from them finally. Then, it was short lived, reality hits back and now you start to again see the picture you so wish was more like your dreams.
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Humans have a tendency to also look for something in nothing. We always look for patterns; we look for the things we don't fully understand to become understood. I think it's a small fact of how we are in general, and is something that we cannot move away from. We always want to try to understand how things work and why they are the way they are. Yet we often cannot do this. We are limited in our abilities here, when we are so focused on something, we miss all of the other parts that we should see as well. Why? Because we always like the good parts of life, we place a great emphasis on the good things that happen to us.
Sure, every so often we have a few bad things we remember. A few bad days here and there. But after a while we no longer remember those days, we continue to move forward, continuing along our time line. We all have the ability to do this. But when good things happen, we always want to remember those things. We want to remember the good parts of our life. We want to be happy, it's a natural emotion that we always have on our minds. It is something that we always want, to feel happy.
But, this doesn't mean we always get what makes us happy. Sometimes what we think will make us happy, goes back to the point of only seeing what good parts there are. We miss the cue that what we think we want is not really what we think it is. Including love.
But everyone seems to have a different view about love. We each have our own unique definition of what it means to ourselves. To find the person whom you can .sit with, talk with, and always laugh with. That has to be it. This is the foundation of it for everyone. If you do not have these three, then I don't think you have the foundation.
'The first thing I'm going to say is, "Thanks for making time for me." Doesn't matter if you're Sean Penn or a taxi driver, you don't owe me squat. We're going to share a few moments; the only lives we're ever going to live have joined right here and now. You made that happen; I owe you. Let's have some fun. The next thing I'm going to do is ask about you. I'm going to learn about you, and I'm going to learn from you. I'm going to make you feel important; because we're together, you are important. Then comes the coup de grâce: I'm going to make you laugh. I don't know how to tell you to do this; you must trust your instincts. Genuine laughter is no less than a social orgasm. Provoke it and the world will drop its drawers for you.'
Is it weird that once I start thinking about you, and the things that I would like to do with you, that I start to think I am not good enough to do those things with you. That maybe I am not what you want, yet I haven’t even asked you yet. Why is it that you stop my ability to move forward? Do you know that no matter what I look at, all I can see if you. If I look at another person and I can see if what features they have that are part of you. Do their eyes look the same, do they have the same cheeks, do they have a similar smile? Yet anyone who I see, no one compares the same as you do. Why is that? Why do I always keep comparing everyone else to you...
I want to hold your hand. More than just helping to make sure you don’t fall down in the snow. To give you a neck rub after a long day, while listening to you tell me about the day you had. To wrap my arms around you, and not let go and for more than just a hug goodbye; to sit and watch movies all day under the blanket; to be in the same room and spending time together.
I am in love with you, yet I avoid you. Yes, we could be hugging but I always disappear, emotionally that is. I'm afraid of a million things. I avoid telling you certain things because I am afraid of what you would say back to me if I did tell you.
"Hi. Do you think I could talk to you about something? It's been on my mind for a while…"
I'm afraid of a million things. These millions go through my mind in a matter of minutes causing me to freeze. I fear that I may hurt you, or that I have already hurt you, or even hindered you. I wish that I could just tell you. Then our hugs won't be so awkward. Conversations, not so superficial. If only I could simple walk up to you and just tell you how I really feel. I would just say something like, "Hi. Do you think I could talk to you about something? It's been on my mind for a while…" (You say yah sure) Then here comes the hard part I'm even afraid to write knowing you can't see it anyway. "Well I've been meaning tell you this for a while. It's nothing bad or anything, I just… okay bare with me… (You are a good listener so I know you don't mind much) I may have acted strangely in the past, well practically ever since I've met you. And as I've said before it's nothing you've done. Really. It's me and how I react to these… feelings. AH! I guess I should just cut to the chase. I have a crush on you and I think I am falling for you. Yes you. Now, first of all don't feel bad if it isn't mutual. I understand. In fact I have prepared myself for such events and am willing to stay friends. I only wanted to tell you because I needed to get this off my chest. I feel like this would help me come to terms with myself as well as stop acting so awkward around you." And that’s what I would say! Well maybe one day you'll get to hear it. I hope so.
I may not be the best, but I am the best I am ever going to be. What about somebody who can really listen, when you talk and understand with their heart, not their head, what you want to say? How about someone who supports you, no matter what? Someone who is really, really fun to kiss, too? Some guys stay away from pretty girls. He may have had his share of two timing girlfriends or may have been stuck in an insecure relationship with a girl who was too good for him. If he’s scarred by a pretty girl, he may stay away from anyone who seems too good to be true.
" you always will look beautiful to me "
I really mean it too, no matter how I see you. You always look amazing, yet I have never said those words to you, because I am afraid of how you will react to them.
Sure, you may want to look nice for us. But I think this has to deal those of the male species that has to make sure the person they are dating looks great all the time. But guess what, it never happens. You think when we first start to see each other that if I do not see you at what you think are your best, that maybe I will not want to see you anymore. This may be true for some boys, but I think for a small population of the men out here, we are or at least tend to be somewhat intelligent, that we realize that you will not always look to what you call your best. And guess what, that is ok. If you look beautiful to me while wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, then you always will look beautiful to me. Makeup or not, you will still look great, we know this will eventually happen, again a very select few will at least, but .
The part they say about having other men look at you will make us want you more, well, that is correct, but I will tell you right now, that if another man looks at you while in your 'scrubs' while we are together, I am going to love that even more than when they look at you in your little black dress. But at the same time, a man should always realize that he is lucky to be with you, no matter how you look that day. Now, some people still just do not work out, but it should never be because you didn’t dress up for him. I am going to like the way you look no matter what time, what day, what outfit, what style. Why? Because it is still you and that is what matters.
Joss Whedon said it best when he wrote...“When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman.”
It must be your personality, because no matter what you look like, what cloths you wear, what makeup you have on, how messy your hair is. I still have the hardest time ever to not stop in my tracks, look at you and smile. And when you catch me doing this, and you ask me what, I always answer with nothing. Because I really have no way to describe it. I don't think I could, it is just something that is.
We let our fear of others control us so much. Think about it. Every action that we make; we always have the tendency to think about how another person is going to take it, how they will react to it.
I want to tell you how I feel; I want you to know what’s wrong with me when you ask me that question. But the voice in my head won't let me. It tells me too often to be careful; it tells me that I shouldn't let you know. And I am often left to ponder why after that enters my head.
Until next time, a moment of time.
~Setsuna Jikan
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